The Modern Woman’s Sexual Strategy

Original post by /u/RedPope:

I’m calling this The Modern Woman’s Sexual Strategy. It is their formula. A woman’s default script for her 30s and 40s.

/u/Kill_Your_Ego posted a controversial FR. He is fucking a woman, knowing she keeps a BB in reserve. He made a joke, saying he should knock her up, since her BB genuinely seems like he’d make a great dad.

One TRP member was disgusted. His comment and OP’s response:

I would not let a beta raise my son

LOL. As if you even have a choice.

His answer is the absolute truth and the correct response. It may make you angry. It may make you sad. Put emotion aside for a moment and we’ll examine the topic in depth. I’m assuming you’ve skimmed the sidebar. You’ve been beaten over the head with AF/BB, but go reread Briffault’s Law if you can’t remember it. In this article, we’re going to put 1 and 1 together and make 2.

AF/BB + Briffault’s Law

Right now this woman wants the AF. Once she’s pregnant, she will want the BB. She does not want OP raising her kid. According to his story, the one and only benefit he provides is sex. Why the fuck would she keep OP once pregnant? His job is done. His desires are irrelevant. AF is sexy and cool, but unreliable and distant. BB has a 6 figure salary and stability. No contest.

And so she will do the responsible thing and “outgrow” her AF badboy. She will “settle down” and be a get married to BB. She will even convince herself BB was the one she wanted all along. Her true love.

(In the event she marries the AF, or BB is the actual biological father, results do not really differ. She will work tirelessly to domesticate him into a BB role.)

The wedding is expensive and wonderful. The highlight of her life. She will become a true and faithful housewife! Long enough to get the kid out of diapers, anyway. Long enough to get a new car. “We need an SUV to fit the stroller!”

Her next choice then depends on if she wants a second kid. If so, she revisits AF (or finds a new version). During this time, BB husband will enjoy an increase in sex. He’ll be convinced the marriage is finally back on track. BB is happy. Of course, she just needs him to be convinced the second spawn might be his. Maybe it is. Doesn’t matter.

If she doesn’t want a second child, she visits a divorce attorney. Gets an estimate on what she should receive in child support. The attorney also informs her how long she has to remain married to get alimony. Year or so? She’ll rough that out while branch swinging. More than 2 years? Well shit. Might as well have that second kid after all. She’ll get so much more child support.

Quits her job, if she hadn’t already. Three years later, second kid is out of diapers now. They’ve been married 7+ years. First kid is in school. She convinces BB to trade in for a newer SUV. No matter how much he earns, she’s slowly maxing out his credit cards. Meanwhile, the steady decline in duty sex has finally reached dead bedroom status. She is unhappy. BB doesn’t understand why. He is giving her every material thing she requests.

She heads back to the divorce attorney. If she’s lucky, BB sought out some brief solace with a slut or prostitute. He takes all the blame, and in his guilt, gives her everything, uncontested. Otherwise she gets the minimum package: 2-5 years of alimony (aka spouse support) plus 15-16 years child support. Primary custody, the SUV, all her jewelry, half the equity in the house, and half the savings. A few crocodile tears and BB will probably sweeten the deal (extra furniture and cash), just to get it over with.

I don’t even consider this “theory” anymore. Go buy a pitcher of beer for any of your 30-something divorced friends. Get them talking about their marriage. This same script gets repeated again and again and again.

The newly divorced woman is now in her mid/late 30s. She probably isn’t rich, but she’ll be comfortable for a decade or more. Alimony goes quick, but since child support doesn’t count as income, she qualifies for every government welfare program. She’s driving a $70,000 SUV while on food stamps.

She may hit the bars now and then, hook up with an aging silverback for the trill. But mostly, she’s hunting for secondary BB. Online dating is a godsend. Eventually she meets some nice guy with a mid-level caeer. Tells him how her ex was abusive. “Will you sit with me when he picks the kids up for his weekend visitation? He intimidates me.” How angry and sad the ex looks. Maybe her story is plausible. New BB feels like a protector.

She milks him for a vacation or two. Some extra cash so her kids can sign up for little league and summer camp. Lots and lots and lots of dinners out. But he’s boring, and not near wealthy enough, so she goes back to dating. Rinse and repeat. Meanwhile she eases her way back into the workplace. Child support will be ending soon.

Post menopause. She does a half-assed job at work, but it doesn’t matter. Soon she’ll be a double (or triple) minority. Untouchable. No AF in years now. Even BB are only good for the rare meal or weekend trip. She is sad and frequently broke, but she has her cat and church groups. Kids don’t visit often enough. Ingrates. After all the sacrifices she made? Their real dad ran off before they were born. Her ex-husband abandoned her. The government? No help at all. She did it all herself. But what was the point? No one appreciates her. Thank God for Xanax.

5 Stages of RP Acceptance

Again, no source. Here it goes:

I suggest that you can apply the Kübler-Ross model (5 stages of grief) to RP acceptance.

Denial – Blue pill central station.

Anger – This guys text for example. His anger and resentment shine through.

Bargaining – Not a strong example but I guess it would be returning to the market but looking for unicorns, ie trying to find someone who is “not like that”

Depression – Can’t find unicorn and giving up. MGTOW, work^2, hitting gym, staying home playing video games.

Acceptance – Not just understanding RP, but accepting RP and applying the necessary changes to yourself, your attitudes and most importantly your interactions.


Original title: A woman cannot tell you how you must proceed. She can only tell you what she wants to experience, by Whisper:

It’s well known that women give incredibly poor seduction and relationship advice. It’s also well known that they are completely unaware of this.

But what if we were to ask ourselves “why”? What is the common thread in all bad female advice that makes them think it’s good? How does it look good advice from their perspective?

The answer is female solipsism.

When you ask a woman for dating advice (not that you should, unless you could use a laugh), she is incapable of imagining how the world must look through your eyes. Therefore, she can only tell you what she wants it to look like from hers.

A woman who says you should do X or Y, therefore, isn’t talking crazy talk. Just self-centered narcissism talk. She’s giving you good information… IF you insert words like “I want it to look/feel like” or “I want people to think” in front of every statement.

Try it as a mental exercise.

  • “Just be yourself” = “I want to look like you’re just being yourself.”
  • “Act natural, don’t force it” = ” I want it to feel natural, not forced.”
  • “Love will just happen when you meet the right person.” = “I want it to look like it just happened without effort, because he was the right person.”
  • “Be honest” = “Sound honest.”

All the quotes on the left are bullshit non-advice. But the ones on the right describe the seduction magic we work to create.

Does it work on other statements women make, too? You bet it does.

  • “I want to be independent.” = “I want to look independent.” (I don’t, however, want to actually take responsibility for myself. That’s hard work.)
  • “I would never do that.” = “I wouldn’t want anyone knowing I did that.”
  • “I am a good person.” = “I want you to think I am a good person.”
  • “I am spiritual, but not religious.” = “I want you to think I am deep, but I do not want you to think I am dogmatic.”

We can see that pretty much every a woman says makes perfect sense if you proceed from the assumption that she is the center of the universe, and hers is the only perspective there is. If we think about, we can even start to have ideas about where female solipsism comes from.

Women are both evolved and raised to deal with people, not things. In the world of things, there is one true set of circumstances, the way things really are. Fail to grasp it, and you can’t get anything done. Your machines don’t work, your bridges collapse, your software crashes and brings down the New York Stock Exchange. But in the world of people, what’s important isn’t what’s really there, but what you can convince other people of.

To a woman, truth = consensus. It isn’t important what’s true. It’s important what you can make people believe. And telling any literal truth just weakens her ability to sell the story she wants to sell.

So when a woman tells you something, she isn’t stupidly unable to know she’s bullshitting you. Nor is she maliciously trying to pull your leg. It’s just that, to her, communication consists solely of people trying to bullshit each other. Any other possible way of communicating doesn’t enter into her awareness. That’s why you can stand ten feet from a woman and scream “What I mean is the literal content of the words I just said!”, and she will look for the hidden meaning in both that statement and the one before.

Someone steeped in that environment has no incentive to imagine what the world looks like from someone else’s point of view. To attempt to do so would be a great weakness, because it would spoil her ability to push her own point of view.

Just remember that almost anytime a woman says “this is” or “do this”, she is actually saying “this is the illusion I desire”.

Stating the Obvious about Obesity and “Fat Shaming” – Reflections From an Expat‏

The idea that ‘fat shaming’ is somehow a social issue has seeped so deep into American thought, that today I saw my own stupid liberal post-40/50 relatives arguing about it on Facebook, so I feel the need to share an observation. I’ve been living abroad for two years and have lived in five different countries. Currently I am in Eastern Europe (yes, I love it, and yes, the women are as beautiful as you’ve heard; but, I digress). That observation is this:

Only in America is fatness considered to be a social issue. Because we’re fat. And if fat people are good at one thing, it is rationalizing away the reality of their fatness.

The country I’m currently in (Poland) is world-renowned for having thin, feminine, pretty women who are sweet to talk to and like being courted (they do exist, outside the USA – I was shocked ,too). Guys come from all over Europe and even the US to try to get with Polish girls.

One thing you never, ever, hear a Polish girl say is that fatness is the fault of anyone but the fat person, or that it’s “sexy”, or “healthy”. When a Polish girl gains five or six kilos, she fucking stops eating. She says “I’m fat”, and goes on a diet until she’s thin again. Fat girls are very, very rare here. So rare, that what is considered “average to a little overweight” back home in the USA, Polish women would consider obese. And it isn’t economic, or about education level, at least as far as I can tell – it’s cultural. I’ve taken cute, PhD-educated Polish girls out to dinner and have sat with eyes agape as they order two pieces of lettuce and a water because they’re “not hungry”. They don’t eat to get full like American girls do, or because they’re like such a foodie!. They eat for fuel, when they have to, because they know eating frequently or eating excess calories is what leads to adding body fat.

Note how I say Polish women think this way. Polish men don’t give a second’s thought to fat girls. Because they don’t have to. They are swimming up to the eyeballs in model material girls who also have the potential to be great wives, because most of them are still very traditional and haven’t taken 30 cocks by the time they’re 25. Girls who are sweet, pleasant, good company, and most of the ones I’ve met don’t have the massive chip on their shoulder American girls do towards men and dating… which, come to think of it, probably has a lot to do with the fact that American girls are carrying a lot more weight on their bellies, hips, and thighs, and are self-conscious so they lash out. Also because American girls are a lot sluttier, but that’s a topic for a separate post.

One thing I’ve noticed of relevance is that most fat women are very liberal. That is why all the arguments you see against “fat shaming” have to do with hurt feelings:

  • “Just remember, the number on your scale doesn’t tell you what a good/strong person you are!” …. Yes it does.
  • “You shouldn’t make fun of fat people – being fat isn’t as bad as being an asshole!” …. Yes it is. It’s worse.
  • “You shouldn’t be mean to fat people” … Yes I should.
  • “You shouldn’t even comment on them being fat at all… negative reinforcement doesn’t work!” …. Neither does offering you a carrot when you’re busy stuffing your face with French fries.
  • “It doesn’t matter what I look like! It’s my body! All bodies are BEAUTIFUL! There’s no wrong way to have a body!” … Yes it does, no they’re not, and yes there is. Now shut the fuck up.

It’s all horse shit. Americans are fat, because we’re rich and eat a lot of shitty fried, high-fat and high-sugar food. That is the ONLY reason the idea that shaming people for being giant walking sacks of useless shit is somehow wrong exists in America. The phrase “fat shaming” doesn’t exist in places where most people are actually thin, and fatness isn’t the norm. Food should not be abundant. You should have to work for it – physically, hard, and often – and it should then only be fuel, not a vice. You treat food like a vice like we do in the USA, especially if it is highly processed and full of sugar and fats, guess what? You’re going to gain a lot of adipose tissue and look like shit.

Americans are fatter than anyone else in the world except Mexicans and Australians who are competing for that title. People abroad will happily bring this up, with no guilt or sense they are shaming you as an American when they tell you the stereotype of your country is that you are a bunch of useless fat fucks.

TL;DR: Stop being fat.

Practical Applications of RP Theory in an LTR‏

As per GayLubeOil:

Fucking bar sluts is fun, but there are major drawbacks. Its time consuming, there is the persistent risk of STD’s plus there is also the danger of bringing someone you completely don’t know into your life. Maybe she steals. Maybe she”ll forget her syringes in your house, from all the Finaplex she takes to bridge the gender gap. Or maybe she’ll give you a throat infection because she loves kissing rando dudes. Eventually you are going to find yourself in an LTR, here are three practical ways to apply red pill theory in a relationship.

Wrestle Your Girlfriend: One of the central theories of Red Pill is that women like to be dominated. A woman’s lizard brain wants to know that you can protect her, wrestling your girlfriend is the most straight forward way of proving this. Now am I saying to inflict physical harm to your beloved? No. What im saying is that there is nothing wrong with a little horse play. Now the feminists are obviously going to read this and say aha! Red Pill promotes violence against women! Not so fast you cunts. I don’t want my girlfriend being raped and im actively preparing her to defend herself against a much larger stronger male aggressor. The final reason to wrestle your girlfriend is that it teaches her an important lesson, that life is chaotic and anything can happen at any time. One minute shes on the computer, bored watching youtube commercials because she’s a woman and doesn’t know about adblock. The next, you’re making her life exciting with the banana split.

Boss Your Girlfriend around: Women like being lead. They like it when men give them purpose. They like working towards a common goal. Because of my bodybuilding and budget, I do a lot of my own cooking. If im cooking, my girlfriend is obviously going to be eating, so I always tell her to help in the food preparation by mincing garlic, cutting onions or rubbing seasoning into meat. Bonus: she gets more practice rubbing meat.

Make her jealous from time to time. As soon as your in a happy committed relationship tons of rando bitches come out of the woodwork, touching your arms and flirting. Women find men in relationships more attractive because of Pre-selection. Hang out with other women from time to time. Get coffee, play tennis, just to let your girlfriend knwo that you have options but you don’t realy intend to pursue them.

And some selected comments:

feriksen: a few additional notes (from a married man for 14 years) on keeping your wife/LTR on her toes for you:

slap/grab her ass: Like all-the-time. Playful. Hear her giggle and watch her sway her hips just that little bit more as she walks away afterwards

pull her hair: Giving her a kiss? Pull the back of her hair ever so slightly. Try it. Intensity of her kissing you increasing by 300%. You can literally her hear tingles kick in. You should do this at least a few times a day. She’ll be ready to roll at the drop of a pin after a while. Of course, once in bed(or couch, or over kitchen sink or..), do the same there. And do slap that ass again.

I should really try and do a write up on how to handle fighting/screaming/name calling.. Apart from keeping my wifes sexual attraction high as much as possible, I think the handling of fights are the 2nd biggest contributor for us at least, in keeping a healthy marriage (and trust me, the first 13 years were not so happy).

my 2cents at least


slap/grab her ass: Like all-the-time. Playful. Hear her giggle and watch her sway her hips just that little bit more as she walks away afterwards

I also hump my gf a lot of the time. Like as she’s making food I’ll just walk up behind her and start humping. Playfully. Maybe I’ll whisper “Shhhh. It’s not about sex it’s about dominance.” My current gf is the only one so far that humps me back. It’s fun.

Give her almost no attention at times: If I’m in the middle of reading something or doing whatever and she tries to talk about shit I’ll just ignore her. When she asks if I’m listening I say “no.” Why? Because it reinforces the fact that your time is more valuable than hers. Guys who give their girlfriend/wife 100% of their attention every time she wants it are not the guys you want to be. It’s not something to do constantly, but scattered throughout your relationship.

tease/fuck with her frequently This is of course standard in early game stages, but I notice a lot of guys let this slip after a while. It’s something to consciously keep doing.

do silly shit together This is along the lines of teasing, and may just be my particular brand of humor, but I like doing random silly shit with my gf. Sometimes when I go to kiss her I’ll go full-on open mouth tongue wagging. We act out plays (where I of course have the dominant role) and if there’s a hand kissing part I’ll make out with her hand in an over-exaggerated fashion. Play peek-a-boo with her. Whatever.

Women are basically children at heart so they take a lot of joy in silly things. It’s fun for them and me. Additionally, if you do all the silly things in a way that enhances your dominance, they not only “love how fun you are” but it really helps instill and maintain the dominant/submissive dynamic in yet another way. Obviously this can be overdone and you’ll look like a clown. Obviously this shouldn’t be done in public, generally speaking. Nevertheless, a healthy dose of this spurs bonding, her sense of how fun you are, and enhances your dominance. (I think part of why girls like a guy that can be silly is that it triggers the part of their brain so that they think you’ll be a good dad.

Really, most LTR game for me has been getting a balance of alpha/beta traits, weighted toward alpha of course.

Another thing is that frame control is huge, and a lot of the silly/random stuff, by nature of her becoming a part of your imagination, forces her further into your frame.

feriksen again:

tease/fuck with her frequently This is of course standard in early game stages, but I notice a lot of guys let this slip after a while. It’s something to consciously keep doing.

This! Keep up feeding her attraction/appetite for you. All the examples are basically ways to express physical dominance. And so many of us stop doing that within the LTR, then wonder why she is no longer that attracted to us.

Other stuff:

Lifting: When I come from work/travel, she meets me at the door I lift her up, have her wrap her legs around my waist, and I just drop my briefcase, close the door and carry her either to the armrest of the couch or onto the dining table, and give her a 5 second tounge-inspection. If I’m horny, she’ll be ready then and there. Hell, if I’ve travelled for more then a few days she’ll be greeting me in lingerie (with the expectation of getting nailed hard)…

Texting: while at work, before coming home: “I am going to fuck ur brain out tonight”. She will be horny long before you come home. No silly questions, assume the sale, and take what you want.

And secularist42:

Couple of things from my marriage:

Fuck her…often: This might sound obvious, but to those of us in LTR’s…a few years in, life can get in the way sometimes. I have to be mindful of how important sex is for keeping my wife in the mindset we both prefer. Fuck her. Well and often. And don’t ever ask…you’re in a relationship…sex is expected to be part of that equation.

Resist the urge to make her life easier: What I mean is don’t compromise yourself when you wouldn’t otherwise. When she has a cold and feels like shit, don’t ask what she wants for dinner when normally you’d be making the decision. Give her options: “A or B?”…but not: “I know you’re sick…what do you feel like?”. We know to not do this in everyday…make sure you don’t do it when she needs your decisiveness most.

Keep being the ‘Asshole She Fell In Love With’: This is the NMMNG part of it. There is something so telling about my wife saying “you’re SUCH an asshole!” with a subtle head tilt and a grin, her eyes smiling. I’ve made the mistake of thinking I needed to soften my personality over time in relationships in my past…with expected results. Dante has that saying about whatever it is that gets the girl is the same thing that keeps the girl. Own that.

2nd nomination for consistent Hair Pulling and Ass Slaps with an added Picking Her Up and Manhandling Her onto the counter or kitchen table etc.: I’ll reach over at a restaurant or while driving and grab a handful of her hair with a light pull. Doesn’t have to be followed with a kiss, but certainly can be. Ass Slaps are the same, in the grocery store or at home…a great reminder. Picking her up and throwing her on the counter then kissing or bending her over the table work to let her literally feel your command of your ship…things that all have her feeling comforted and feminine in my world.

A reward system, not a restriction system, is the best way to maintain frame and respect

As per u/NoThankYouJeff‘s post on TRP:

I see a lot of men [especially natural alphas, this is their main shortcoming] fall into the trap of placing restrictions on women [when these alphas are in relationship]. On the other hand I see a lot of betas who aren’t in relationships reward women for bad behaviour.

A system which places more emphasises on rewarding, not one which restricts women, is better and allows you a greater control to maintain your frame and keep your dignity and respect.

Women, just like children, want to break ‘rules’ put in place to test your resolve. After all women aren’t children so there’s no point telling them what they can’t and can do. Men will break rules because they want their freedom or make a point, women will do it to test your resolve. This is another inherent difference between men and women: men will do it for a good reason, women will do it for the heck of it and to shit test/challenge you frame. What you can do is not reward bad behaviour.

A few examples of what I’m talking about:

  • Do not marry a ‘reformed slut’ who has had her fun on the cock carousel and is now looking for the dream marriage and family that the media and society has promised her. Do not reward her that which she does not deserve. This is better than coming across as a bitter beta who complains that there’s too many sluts and women shouldn’t have sex and thus giving feminists more artillery to use against the common man. Just don’t reward her.
  • Do not get into a relationship with a single mother and thus provide her with emotional and financial protection. On a wider level all Government benefits should be stopped for a woman who willingly becomes a single mother when the father makes it clear he will not be supporting her. There’s far too many options for a woman to simply ‘accidentally’ become pregnant in today’s day and age.
  • If you go on a date with a woman and she’s more interested in her mobile phone than talking to you, abruptly end the date right there. Don’t complain about it or call her out on it and come across as a whining bitch, just walk out.
  • If you’re talking to a woman and she has a huge bitch shield, move on. Even if you do have the game to overcome the bitch shields just move and don’t dance to her tune of gaming her further. Even if you get the bang she will have an inflated ego that she made a man dance so much for her.

These are a few examples but I think if established and used on a wider scale many women will change their attitude overnight. Men have far more power in the dating world than they realise, even the betas.

Obviously the opposite holds true, reward a woman who cherishes her femininity and embraces her feminine role with a man [this seems extremely weird to write out since 99.9% of Western women hate femininity and love to act masculinity which is a huge turn off].

Most of all you have to realise the most important aspect of game: FRAME. Every interaction with a woman, from co-worker level to a romantic level, is her testing your frame. Frame is the most important part of game. Game is 90% frame. Once you master how to maintain frame everything else falls into place. This is the hardest part of game since as a rookie it’s very easy to get lost in a woman’s looks and lose your frame.

A Self-Made Man

As per ABC News:

Norah Vincent has lived as a man. She didn’t undergo a sex change or radical hormone treatments. She simply went undercover. In an extraordinary feat of acting, disguise and guts, Vincent lived among men — as a man — for 18 months to see what life was like on the other side of the gender divide.

“This wasn’t just a stunt. This was about learning. This is a human project. It was about finding something out about the human creature. … And I learned it the best possible way because I went through it,” Vincent told “20/20’s” JuJu Chang.

Growing up in the Midwest with her actress mother, lawyer father and two older brothers, Vincent was a tomboy with a flair for the dramatic. She says she’s still a tomboy, and a lesbian living in midtown Manhattan with her partner, Lisa.

At 5 feet, 10 inches and 155 pounds, Vincent passed as a medium-build man she called Ned. Her transformation began with a buzz cut, baggy men’s clothes, and a too-small sports bra to flatten her breasts. She even wore a little padding in a jock strap. For the rest, she enlisted the help of makeup artist Ryan McWilliams, who created Ned’s five-o’-clock shadow.

Then there was the theatrical component. Vincent underwent months of training with Juilliard voice teacher Kate Maré to learn how to sound like a man. “Women have much stronger nasal resonances as a rule,” Maré explained.

When all the pieces were put together — hair, makeup, voice, posture and style — the transformation was complete, and Norah Vincent became Ned Vincent.

Becoming One of the Guys

Vincent, a journalist, didn’t take the project lightly. She estimates she put on Ned’s whiskers and clothes about 150 times during her 18-month experiment. “I wanted to enter males’ spheres of interest and … see how men are with each other. I wanted to make friends with men. I wanted to know how male friendships work from the inside out,” she told “20/20.”

Self-Made Man book cover by Norah Vincent

Vincent’s first act as a newly minted male was to join a quintessential bastion of camaraderie — a men’s bowling team in a working-class Pennsylvania neighborhood. The only problem: She’s a terrible bowler.

But the men didn’t boot her off the team. “It’s an amazing thing, because I think that shows you the generosity that they had,” she said.

Her experience with these men turned some of her long-held perceptions about men being harsh and rejecting and women being warm and welcoming upside down.

“I mean, it was just the most wonderful rush to get these guys’ handshakes, and I felt comfortable, I mean as comfortable as I could feel, right away. They just took me in … no questions asked,” she said.

The team bowled together for nine months and gradually Vincent gained entrance to their inner sanctum. She found that all the cussing and good-natured ribbing is just how men often show affection for one another.

Near the end of the team’s run, Vincent decided to reveal herself as a woman. Nervous about how the guys would react, she tested the waters with Jim, the guy she had become closest with.

Vincent took Jim out for a drink with her partner, Lisa, and told him she had something to say that was going to “blow his mind.”

“I said the only thing that would blow my mind is if you told me that you were a girl and that she was a guy. And she goes, well, you’re half right,” Jim said.

Later, Jim told the rest of the teammates, who all took it well.

Jim said he thinks Vincent came into the experiment with some misconceptions about men. “I think she expected to find like a bunch of guys just talking about women’s private parts and a bunch of racists and, you know. I think, kind of, that’s what she came into this thinking,” he said.

Vincent agreed. “They really showed me up as being the one who was really judgmental, because they were the ones who took me in, not knowing anything about me. They were the ones who made me their friend … no judgments attached,” Vincent said.

Sex: ‘For a Man, It’s an Urge’

Cracking the mystery of a “boys’ night out” is one thing, but understanding the explicit world of a man’s sexuality is quite another.

To gain an understanding of what some might consider the quintessential male experience, Vincent went to several strip clubs with a male friend. She describes the experience as hellish — demeaning for the strippers and even worse for the men.

“I saw the men there. I saw the looks on their faces. This is not about appreciation of women, of course. It’s not about appreciation of their own sexuality. It’s about an urge and … that’s not always that pleasurable, really,” she said.

Vincent said strip joints are about pure sex drive — completely empty of any meaningful interaction, even when a woman is gyrating on your lap.

Even though Vincent is attracted to women, she said she was never aroused during her visits to the clubs. “I really ran smack up against the difference between male and female sexuality. It’s that female sexuality is mental. … For a man, it’s an urge,” she said.

“At its core, it’s a bodily function. It’s a necessity. It’s such a powerful drive and I think because we [women] don’t have testosterone in our systems, we don’t understand how hard it is,” she said.

Vincent even dabbled in the art of picking up women and agreed to wear a hidden camera for “20/20” during her exploits.

She was quickly reminded that in this arena, it’s women who have the power, she said.

“In fact, we sit there and we just with one word, ‘no,’ will crush someone,” she said. “We don’t have to do the part where you cross the room and you go up to a stranger that you’ve never met in the middle of a room full of people and say the first words. And those first words are so hard to say without sounding like a cheeseball or sounding like a jerk.”

Vincent encountered some pretty cold shoulders in her attempts at the bar, but she did manage to go on about 30 dates with women as “Ned,” mostly arranging them on the Internet.

Vincent said the dates were rarely fun and that the pressure of “Ned” having to prove himself was grueling. She was surprised that many women had no interest in a soft, vulnerable man.

“My prejudice was that the ideal man is a woman in a man’s body. And I learned, no, that’s really not. There are a lot of women out there who really want a manly man, and they want his stoicism,” she said.

Three Weeks at a Monastery

Vincent didn’t limit her exploration of masculinity to just friendships and sexuality. She said she found differences in every walk of life, including shopping for a new car at a dealership.

Going in as Norah, the salesman’s pitch quickly turns flirtatious, but when she returned to the same salesman as Ned, the tone was all business and the talk was all about the car’s performance.

In Vincent’s final months as Ned, she managed to infiltrate all-male environments. A lapsed Catholic, Vincent thought it would be interesting to penetrate the cloistered inner world of a monastery. Ned managed to live there for three weeks as a trainee. The monks, Vincent said, were pious, smart men. But they were still men.

She said she witnessed a “desperate need for male intimacy and the lack of ability to give it” at the retreat. It was “really painful,” she added.

Not only were the monks struggling to be open and intimate, Vincent said they were hostile to her feminine side. She said she was ostracized because of the monks’ assumptions about her sexual orientation.

“Many of them thought I was gay, as one of them told me in confession. … And I said, ‘Well, yeah, but not in the way you think,'” Vincent said.

Vincent thought the perfect end to her 18-month saga would be to join a men-only therapy group, a place where guys tried to bond and show their emotions instead of hiding them.

Again, Vincent saw the men struggle with vulnerability. “They don’t get to show the weakness, they don’t get to show the affection, especially with each other. And so often all their emotions are shown in rage,” she said.

Instead, Vincent said, the men talked about rage, often their rage toward women, and what they would do physically and violently toward women.

“A lot of this was blowing off steam. …They would talk about fantasizing about chopping up their wives or something. It’s not that they would ever do that, but it was a way to get out the blackest thoughts,” she said.

Norah began to empathize with the fear and stress men feel for having to always be the strong provider.

Once again, some group members thought Ned was gay, but nobody suspected Ned was a woman. After eight sessions, the group went on a back-country weekend retreat, but Vincent’s 18 months of being an imposter was closing in on her.

“The pressure of being someone that you’re not and … the fear of discovery and the deceit that it involves piles up and piles up. So, by the time I got around to doing this men’s group, it was really reaching critical mass,” she said.

“I was out in the woods with a bunch of guys who had rage issues about women and I was in drag … and I thought, oh, God, you know, what am I doing,” she added.

She continued her emotional descent, and a week later, checked in to a hospital with severe depression. Identity, she concluded, was not something to play around with.

“When you mess around with that, you really mess around with something that you need that helps you to function. And I found out that gender lives in your brain and is something much more than costume. And I really learned that the hard way,” she said.

Vincent says she’s healed now and glad to be rid of Ned. But her views about men have changed forever.

“Men are suffering. They have different problems than women have, but they don’t have it better,” she said. “They need our sympathy. They need our love, and maybe they need each other more than anything else. They need to be together.”

Ironically, Vincent said, it took experiencing life as a man for her to appreciate being a woman. “I really like being a woman. … I like it more now because I think it’s more of a privilege.”